Social media affected me so terribly during the pandemic. For a while I had so much anger towards myself for either not handling my reputation well during the pandemic via social media and also a lot of anger for caring so much about what other people thought about me during a global crisis. I felt really selfish looking back on how I felt about myself and also ashamed and shocked.
Normally, my favorite and only pictures that I post are with my friends. I handled the pandemic very safely so my friends could not take pictures with or of me. I constantly thought, what are others going to think of me? While I am a huge advocate for staying safe during quarantine, I also was kind of jealous of people who were able to vacation in their beach houses or cabins. The pictures people took felt so isolating to me while I stayed home and they had a better home to stay in. I just stuck to editing photos from years back and reminiscing on the past.
I have this horrendous photo editing addiction, and cannot NOT edit a single pimple out of my photos on my social media accounts and it really frustrated me that I could not post things during the pandemic and improve my looks. Just understanding and having that mentality really has made me so disappointed in myself. I used to be much worse too. The pandemic only made me understand this toxicity more than ever. I used to try to have a colorful theme on my instagram page and got extremely frustrated if my photos wouldn't align aesthetically.
Just writing this post has made me so much more comfortable with myself. My goal is to post more naturally for this new year. I constantly think about how my younger self used to be so insecure about her looks, every single insecurity was highlighted through her mind on a daily basis. I cannot disappoint the little girl who I used to be. Young girls don't deserve that, hell nobody does. But the fact that I used to heavily edit my pictures when I was about twelve years old is just such a frustrating thought.
I had someone close to me pass away a few years ago and all I had were natural pictures to understand his life by. By the time I have enough pictures to guide people through and about my life, I want to be able to show them my authentic self. It pains me that my tween self does not have many authentic pictures of herself but now I will make a better effort to appreciate my body and face for what it is.
I deleted a bunch of apps that held me back from my truest self last week. I unfollows a ton of beauty gurus and fitness junkies. I started following and looking more into better role models. I may have been disappointed in my younger self but I refuse to be disappointed in my future self.
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