The pandemic has been tough. I have spent so much time in my own mind as a result of it and I have learned a lot about myself. One thing I have learned- I'm queer! Well, at first I thought I was bi, then pan, then bi again, then I got annoyed at trying to figure it out and stuff myself into a box causing me to land at queer. Much easier!
Coming to this conclusion was the result of many, many months of dissecting my mind. I (a woman) already knew I was attracted to men, but I began to question if maybe I was attracted to more than just men. It started with the "Do I want to be her friend, be her, or be with her?" question every time I saw an attractive woman on the street or on TV or TikTok. Then I thought "Well, would I not want to be with someone who identified as nonbinary?" My answers varied depending on the person and how I felt, but, for the first question, I realized that the third option was there for me. My answer to the second question was no, I would definitely be with/be attracted to someone who identified as nonbinary. So, I'm queer. From my extremely limited dating and romantic experience and the fact that I fall in love with the many, many strangers of all gender identities I see everyday on the internet and outside of it (this is actually a really bad habit lol), I have realized that I am attracted to more than just men, but rather any person I find attractive.
So I figured out my sexuality (nice!), but I still feel uncomfortable- even just thinking about it to myself, never mind talking about it with others and acting upon my interests (though I was also bad at having a love life when I thought I was straight). I have always been an ally to the LGBTQ+ community and never thought being queer was "wrong". But admitting to myself that I am queer somehow felt wrong, it felt like a hushed secret. I think this is because I had virtually no queer representation and was almost always fed the idea that I am straight. Movies were written about straight couples, TV shows were written about straight couples, songs were written about straight couples, books were written about straight couples (for the most part), sex-ed only taught about straight sex, I honestly can't remember ever talking about anything queer related in my high school classes. Mostly everyone I knew was straight. So when I realized I wasn't straight it felt like a lie, like I don't know what I'm talking about ("how could I? I had one relationship that lasted 2 months when I was 14" I often told myself). It's been a little hard to tell myself "Yes, you're queer. No, it's not weird at all. Yes it sucks that you don't have a partner." (kidding, that last part is easy. Have I made it obvious that I suck at love yet?). It's a weird mind game- being accepting of others as they are, but not yourself.
I have told a handful of people- my sister and three friends- who I would feel comfortable discussing a future non-man partner with (if the time ever came). But I'm honestly afraid of how I'm perceived by other people in my community- old high school friends, extended family members, the general public. (This hasn't prevented me from coming out to more people, my thoughts on coming out are explained later.) I have heard the comments made about other queer folk (people I know or just in general) by class mates, by friends, by family members, by strangers. Not all of it is even seemingly bad or meant in a hurtful way, but it makes me feel wary of others, even those close to me, who are accepting. I'm afraid of how others perceive me and how they will perceive me, even if this is a somewhat irrational fear. But it's a fear nonetheless. Something to take away from this for people who are not queer- be mindful of what you say around everyone. Obviously, ALWAYS BE KIND AND DON'T BE A BAD PERSON. Beyond that, be conscious of the "meaningless" remarks you make.
Have you seen Love Simon? Do you remember that scene where all of Simon's friend come out as straight to their parents? I think that scene may have been what triggered my thoughts on why do people come out. I'm going to preface this with saying that if you want to or feel that you have to come out- you absolutely should do that for yourself! I know how important it is for some to choose who knows, when they know, how they know. My personal feelings toward coming out, however, is that it's awkward and unnecessary. I don't know how to go about it and I don't want to. Straight people don't and if a person assumes my sexuality and gets it wrong, well it's not the end of the world. I don't even know how I'd go about coming out. Do I post on my Instagram (my version of a GenZ email blast), bake a cake, make a slideshow, sit some people down to tell them, say "Hi my name is —, and I'm queer!" every time I meet someone? I'm not sure and I'd rather not stress out figuring it out! Despite everything I just said- I have technically come out to a select few people. I felt as though I needed to tell someone because I was getting a headache from just talking about it with myself. But even those instances felt weird and awkward to me because I don't know how to react, they don't know how to react, I don't know how I'd want them to react. Do you even react? How does one not react? Long story short, coming out is weird to me- so, no, I won't be doing it here!
I think coming out is weird, if you don't then I think that's cool. If a person wanted to come out to me I'd say you're amazing, you're beautiful, and give them a fist bump (I did have a friend fist bump me when I came out to her and I honestly found it to be quite an appropriate reaction). Because you are amazing, you are beautiful, and you deserve a goddamn fist pump!!
I hope someone gained something from this- whether it was clarity (I think I gained this, haha) or something to waste your time reading. It feels so comforting to write this all out and post it here. If someone is still here... reading this long a** snippet from my diary... then you're pretty cool :)
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